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Contents
Cover
About the Book
About the Author
Also by Bernard Malamud
Dedication
Title Page
Epigraph
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Copyright
About the Book
William Dubin is middle-aged, a distinguished biographer seeking increased accomplishment and the key to his inner feelings. His marriage is stable if unexciting, and he lives comfortably with his wife in Vermont. Then his imagination is caught by Fanny, a young girl of twenty-three, and he is thrown into an intense, erotic love affair that threatens to destroy his measured, disciplined world and the lives of those around him.
About the Author
Bernard Malamud, one of America’s most important novelists and short-story writers, was born in Brooklyn in 1914. He took his B.A. degree at the City College of New York and his M.A. at Columbia University. From 1940 to 1949 he taught in various New York schools, and then joined the staff of Oregon State University, where he stayed until 1961. Thereafter he taught at Bennington State College, Vermont.
His remarkable, and uncharacteristic first novel, The Natural, appeared in 1952. But it was with the publication of The Assistant (1957, winner of the Rosenthal Award and the Daroff Memorial Award) that Malamud received international acclaim. His other works include The Magic Barrel (1958, winner of the National Book Award), Idiots First (1963, short stories), The Fixer (1966, winner of a second National Book Award and a Pulitzer Prize), Pictures of Fidelman (1969), The Tenants (1971), Rembrandt’s Hat (1973, short stories), Dubin’s Lives (1979) and God’s Grace (1982). Bernard Malamud was made a member of the National Institute of Arts and Letters, USA, in 1964, a member of the American Academy of Arts and Sciences in 1967, and won a major Italian award, the Premio Mondello, in 1985.
Bernard Malamud died in 1986.
ALSO BY BERNARD MALAMUD
The Natural
The Assistant
The Magic Barrel
Idiots First
The Fixer
Pictures of Fidelman
The Tenants
Rembrandt’s Hat
God’s Grace
The People
The Complete Stories

DUBIN’S LIVES

Bernard Malamud
This ebook is copyright material and must not be copied, reproduced, transferred, distributed, leased, licensed or publicly performed or used in any way except as specifically permitted in writing by the publishers, as allowed under the terms and conditions under which it was purchased or as strictly permitted by applicable copyright law. Any unauthorised distribution or use of this text may be a direct infringement of the author’s and publisher’s rights and those responsible may be liable in law accordingly.
Version 1.0
Epub ISBN: 9781446426531
Vintage
20 Vauxhall Bridge Road,
London SW1V 2SA
Vintage is part of the Penguin Random House group of companies whose addresses can be found at global.penguinrandomhouse.com.
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Copyright © Bernard Malamud 1977, 1979
Portions of this book originally appeared, in somewhat different form, in The New Yorker, The Atlantic and Playboy
Bernard Malamud has asserted her right to be identified as the author of this Work in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988
First published in the USA by Farrar, Strauss & Giroux, Inc., 1979
and simultaneously in Canada by McGraw-Hill Ryerson Ltd
First published in Great Britain by Chatto & Windus 1979
Published by Vintage 1999
penguin.co.uk/vintage
A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library
Max and Bertha, my father and mother, and for Anna Fidelman
What demon possessed me that I behaved so well?
THOREAU
Give me continence and chastity, but not yet.
AUGUSTINE
One
They sometimes met on country roads when there were flowers or snow. Greenfeld wandered on various roads. In winter, bundled up against the weather, Dubin, a five-foot-eleven grizzled man with thin legs, walked on ice and snow, holding a peeled birch limb. Greenfeld remembered him tramping along exhaling white breaths. Sometimes when one was going longitude and the other latitude they waved to each other across windswept snowy fields. He recalled Dubin’s half-hidden face on freezing days when it was too cold to talk. Or they joked in passing. Had he heard the one about the rabbi, who when his sexton prayed aloud, ‘Dear God, I am nothing, You are everything,’ remarked, ‘Look who says he’s nothing!’ Dubin hoarsely laughed. Once, looking not at all well, he said, ‘This has to be the center of the universe, my friend.’ ‘Where?’ ‘This road as we meet.’ He stamped his boot as he spoke. Once in passing he said, ‘Ach, it’s a balancing act,’ then called back, ‘a lonely business.’ A minute later: ‘In essence I mean to say.’ There were times Dubin handed him a note he read later and perhaps filed. Once the flutist read the slip of paper on the road and tore it up. ‘What are you doing?’ the other shouted. ‘This I’ve seen before.’ Afterward he asked, ‘Why don’t you keep yourself a journal?’ ‘Not for me,’ the biographer replied. ‘None of this living for the gods.’
They embraced after not meeting for months. Nor was Dubin afraid to kiss a man he felt affection for. Sometimes they wrote when either was abroad – a card might bring a letter, but otherwise now saw little of each other. Their wives weren’t friends though they spoke at length when they met. There had been a time when both men drank together on winter nights, and though the talk satisfied, neither was able to work steadily or well the next morning. Eventually they stopped visiting one another and were the lonelier for it. Dubin, as time went by, found it hard to bear the other’s growing quietude, and Greenfeld did not that much care for confession. Dubin could stand still, look you in the eye, and say some intimate things. Greenfeld liked not to know all.
Although it isn’t yet end of summer, William Dubin in a moment of his walk into the country – rural into pastoral – beats his arms across chest and shoulders as though he had unexpectedly encountered cold, clouds have darkened, a snowstorm threatens. He had, in a way, been thinking of winter.
The biographer had left the house in late-afternoon warm sunshine and had casually walked himself, despite nature’s beauty, into a small gloom. He imagined it had come from sensing change in the season, one day to the next. August was a masked month: it looked like summer and conspired with fall; like February it would attempt to hide what it was about. Dubin had uncovered bright-green shoots under dead leaves in February. In the woods today he had spied a flare of red in a broad maple. A sense of short season: Northeast cheat. The days had secretly cast off ballast and were drifting toward autumn. Cold air descended to the roots of trees. The leaves, if you touched, were drying. The noise of bees sucking pale flowers, of crickets rasping, seemed distant. Butterflies, flitting amid trees, flaunted their glad rags a moment before generating and expiring. Dubin felt change and could not bear it. He forbade his mind to run to tomorrow. Let winter stay in its white hole.
Beating his chest he flails at time. Time dances on. ‘Now I am ice, now I am sorrel.’ He shakes his useless fist.
Dubin, the biographer, a genial angular middle-aged type with a bulge of disciplined belly – thus far and no farther – and a grizzled head of hair, his head perhaps a half-size small for his height, walked briskly toward a dark-green covered bridge about a mile up the dirt road. His arms and legs were long; deep chest; shoulders, when he straightened himself, upright. He had gray-blue eyes, a slender long nose, relaxed mouth; he smiled now, touched by a pleasant thought. The mild existential gloom he had experienced in the woods had evaporated; he felt serene, doing his walk. Dubin had a way of breaking into a run when something intensive rose to think of. He was running – marvelous gait for a man of fifty-six. For a minute he shadow-boxed on the road, desisting when a woman in a passing car laughed aloud. He trotted on, enjoying the sweep of space in every direction. He loved the free pleasures of perspective. Fifty yards from the road, a narrow stream, turbulent and muddy after a heavy morning shower, wound through the pasture. To the east rose masses of green trees climbing New York hills; beyond were the looming low Vermont mountains in misty receding planes. Dubin remembered once, in approaching Capri in search of D. H. Lawrence, the hills like a big-breasted woman on her back, raising her head to kiss the sky.
Remembering his work, he unconsciously slowed to a brisk walk. He’d had thoughts while shaving that he ought to try developing a few notes for an autobiographical memoir – type a page or two to see if they came to life with texture, heft. Or do it the way Montaigne did – you start an essay and thus begin an examination of your life. ‘Reader, I am myself the subject of my book; you would be unreasonable to spend your leisure on so frivolous and vain a matter.’ His smile turned into snicker when he foresaw Kitty’s judgment: ‘Why bother when there are so many unusual lives to write about?’ She’d be right although any man speaking truthfully about his life should be worth reading. Still, no sense thinking about it until he had completed the Lawrence he was, after years of research, about to start writing. ‘My God, whatever brought me to him?’ After several steps he ran on, a little in fright.
He was running lightly, forearms loosely lifted, watching a wheeling flight of birds – grackles? – when an orange VW with a battered door and a soiled cracked windshield – it looked as though it had passed through the bird flight – roared out of the covered bridge, came to a halt, abruptly started forward, at last pulled jerkily to a stop at Dubin’s side. He felt a flash of recognition on beholding the driver but it came to nothing: she was a stranger.
The young woman begged his pardon in a voice he would surely have remembered, vaguely drawing down her skirt over bare thighs. She was braless, her face attractive; he had noticed a few darkish blond hairs on her chin. Her loose fair hair she wore long; the well-formed sturdy body was feminine, appealing. A half-eaten yellow pear lay on the seat beside her but if she had enjoyed the fruit it no longer showed. The girl’s curious eyes, he thought, were uneasy, as if she was staring at last night’s dream instead of only good-willed Dubin. She wore wire-framed blue-tinted glasses that muddied her green irises, he saw when she removed them. Her smile was nervous, mouth sour in repose. From habit he tried to imagine her past but made no headway. Her first glance at him had seemed tight, as though she was calculating whether his visible interest went beyond what the moment required; or she wanted not to be quickly read by anyone who could possibly read; then her focus shifted, gaze eased; she asked if she was on the right road to town. She had, out of the window, touched his arm.
Dubin, pleased by the gesture, pointed a helpful finger in the direction he had come. ‘Take the left of the fork.’
The girl nodded. This was no comfortable lady despite nature’s favor of an impressive body and on-the-verge-of-beautiful face. Whatever she had she seemed to want less of. He was about to walk on but she was still unsure where to go. Dubin gave her a good word: ‘A lovely day.’ He was a deep-voiced man with a tentative laugh.
‘Some would say so.’
‘Not you?’
She did not reply.
‘Be kind to yourself.’ He had stammered as a child, and the impulse to on occasion converted itself into a mild hoarseness of expression, sometimes a self-conscious laugh. Dubin cleared his throat.
She gave him an almost sullen look.
‘Why do you say that?’
A man behind them, in an Oldsmobile with Jersey plates, honked to pass. ‘Whyn’t you make love in bed?’
The girl burst into a nervous laugh.
Dubin told her he had no idea and hurried on.
It later occurred to him that the disquiet lady had been wearing a Star of David on a thin gold chain around her neck. If they had spoken names might they have touched lips?
Ah, Dubin, you meet a pretty girl on the road and are braced to hop on a horse in pursuit of youth.
There he stood by the tree that had wounded him.
The blow on the head and broken bones were not the wound; they had evoked the wound, he had thought a minute after his car had struck the tree – the aftermath when one cursed himself for suffering the wound. Dubin had tramped through the booming bridge, where the muddy stream turned west and he east, and was again at the point of the road he still shunned, twenty feet from the highway: it had iced up during a freezing late-fall rain last year and Dubin, on a trivial morning errand – a container of milk Kitty had forgotten to buy – slid into an accident. His thoughts had hardly changed. The car spun like an arrow on a board and the biographer – as if trying to foretell the future: what begins with a wound? – had struck a tree, the last lining the road – another foot and he’d have skidded to a stop in the dead grass.
He had not at first felt pain as blood streamed down his face. He had stumbled to the highway waving his left arm, the other cracked at the wrist, bloody nose broken, right knee cut. It had seemed to him hours before anyone stopped to pick him up. Three drivers had seen him and sped by – ‘Fools!’ Dubin had cried in astonishment. She who had stopped for him was a girl in her late twenties in a red Pinto, on her way to work. He had felt ashamed to be bleeding in her car. It was years since he had seen his own blood flowing and he wondered if it was a portent; but nothing came of it except a week of pain and a mild depression for not being able to work.
Through his bleeding nose he could smell her incisive blooming perfume. Some responses have no respect for circumstances, characteristic of Dubin.
He told her his name. ‘I’m a biographer.’ And laughed embarrassedly. ‘Sorry to be messing your upholstery.’
‘It’ll wash off – do you feel much pain?’
‘Curiously not. I will, I’m sure.’
‘I’m Betsy Croy.’
‘Charmed. What do you do?’ Dubin asked her, mopping with his handkerchief the blood dripping down his head. Better to talk.
‘I bookkeep. What did you say you do?’
‘Write lives – Mark Twain, Thoreau – others.’ He smiled foolishly; she didn’t know the name.
Betsy drove awhile in concentrated silence, then said hesitantly, ‘I married this boy from my high school class when we graduated. Now he’s twenty-eight and has got impotent.’
‘A shame,’ Dubin replied. ‘The composer Mahler was helped in similar circumstances by a long walk with Freud in Leiden – that’s in Holland. If he hasn’t already, your husband ought to talk to a doctor.’
‘He has but it did no good.’ She said nothing more.
Dubin was moved to offer his services but surely not now; he bled quietly.
Afterward he had stupidly forgotten to thank her, express heartfelt gratitude for her kindness; he had wanted to send her flowers. Dubin had visited the State Police, hoping her address might appear on the accident report. It did not. Occasionally he dreamed of her. He had for an instant thought this was she whom he had just met on the road; she was another.
The bark of the oak had been obscenely skinned for months after he had hit it. Although an accident on the road was sooner or later almost certain, given the hard wintry weather and frequency of mishap, Dubin had felt insulted by fate. A year later he would still not look at the tree as he walked or drove by.
He ran across the highway when traffic let up, wobbling as his arthritic knee tightened, and limped a minute after entering a theoretically hard-topped road – subject to winter potholes, spring mud – then went on with his country walk. Dubin thought of it as circular although it was in fact an irregular quadrilateral on the county map. He strode on at a steady pace, refreshing his lungs, exhaling with pleasure. He had put this walk together years ago – the long walk – and his route rarely varied. The short walk went to the bridge and back, about a mile each way. He left by the kitchen door; across the back lawn into a grove of tall gray-trunked silver maples with slender sharp-pointed leaves – gave the elegant effect of elms but less lyric, more grandeur – through a broad field with a pliant path he had worn into it; then, past the old barn, into the sunlit, still, pine-scented wood, drama of white birch with evergreen; in addition, sugar maples, aspen, ash. Kitty called it ‘Kitty’s Wood’ because she’d been in it first; explored it while he was unpacking his books after they’d moved into the house. And then up the road to the covered green bridge.
The walk he was into now Dubin estimated an additional four miles, the whole taking about an hour and a half or three quarters, unless he hurried. The way not to hurry – to enjoy nature, not suffer obsession – was to go the short walk; but sometimes he hurried the long. He felt he was taking his time today when he had the thought – sensation – that the road was coming at him counterclockwise – moving as though the journey hastened its end. Dubin’s mind ran ahead of itself. What’s my hurry to get back? What must I do that I haven’t done? The truth was he hadn’t meant to take the long hike today and was probably hitting it up unconsciously; he had meant at the bridge to turn back but walked on remembering his accident. And Betsy Croy.
As he hastened on he warned himself to be attentive to what’s present, namely nature. If you looked without seeing, the walk was more of the same – the same subjectivity. The good of it beyond exercise was that it changed the mind’s scenery after a day’s work. He felt uneasy when not observing – the big ones missed nothing, had eyes that remembered. Thoreau: ‘The perception of beauty is a moral test.’ More test than moral but one ought to look. The road came at him in slow motion – he tried to explain it but couldn’t. What’s happening today that hadn’t yesterday? Only this moving road, a device of time hurrying me home. Dubin runs to do what’s next. The way to counteract forgetting to look was to join up – take courage in both hands, move your ass off the confining road, be involved. Hop a wall; follow a stream through pasture – what’s so sacred about private property when it’s all God’s earth? Walk up a hill; enter sunlit wood; swim bareass in a pond reflecting day’s eye. Walk home wet in dry clothes.
When had such happened lately? He could count the times on one finger. I rarely leave this road. Now and then a picnic under Sunday-evening trees. Sometimes I cut in along an old path to the pond in the quarry. Wild flowers scattered in clusters along the way. Once, with Kitty, we climbed Mt No Name with the kids – walked up the low north flank. They’d been summer people who had stayed on. City people – Dubin from Newark and Bronx tenements, Kitty originally from Montreal; she had also lived in Augusta, Maine, with her grandmother. Dubin, after a decade and a half in Center Campobello, could recognize and name about twenty trees, a half dozen bushes, fifteen wild flowers, a handful of birds. He followed the flight of a crow elated to know who was flying. He had slowly learned to look, name things of nature. When he passed a flower he told himself to take it all in. What he couldn’t name, or when names slipped his mind, he asked Kitty. She saw the flower whole – corolla, stalk, the shape of its leaves. He felt for a moment bereft.
In sum, William Dubin, visitor to nature, had introduced himself along the way but did not intrude. He gazed from the road, kept his distance even when nature hallooed. Unlikely biographer of Henry David Thoreau – I more or less dared. Even in thought nature is moving. Hunger for Thoreau’s experience asserted itself. Besides, great men are men; a genius in doubt is a man in doubt – I got close to his human nature. Thoreau gave an otherwise hidden passion and drew from woods and water the love affair with earth and sky he’d recorded in his journals. ‘All nature is my bride.’ His biographer-to-be had been knocked off his feet on first serious encounter with nature, a trip to the Adirondacks with a school friend when they were sixteen. Before that he had hungrily sought signs – promises? – of the natural world on city streets and found, in walks out of his neighborhood, private houses with flowers on lawns; hedges; trees; and the dead leaves he was surprised to find in summertime. As a young man he had lived much in public parks; had sought, if not his bride, his bride’s cousin? The first time in the mountains had turned him on in the manner of the Wordsworthian youth in ‘Tintern Abbey’: ‘The sounding cataract haunted me like a passion.’ Dubin, haunted, had been roused to awareness of self extended in nature, highest pitch of consciousness. He felt what made the self richer: who observes beauty contains it. One is stabbed by the miraculous creation and interwoven whole. He wanted nature to teach him – not sure what – perhaps to bring forth the self he sought – defined self, best self? Nature compelled him to feel what he hadn’t felt so well before: ‘the shaping force,’ Hardy called it. He never forgot this although the experience, infrequently renewed, had diminished as youth had. My God, how nature moved me. Now ‘that time is past,’ as Wordsworth had felt it. Now, on the whole, in varying moods Dubin looked at scenery, and scenery, in varying moods, looked at him. But in his heart he still expected something he could not define. If you dared look you earned seeing. Dubin did his walks in nature’s presence.
Still, what nature had meant to him, though not only nature, had inspired him to undertake and ultimately complete a fine life of H. D. Thoreau. In his mind he flipped through pages: close portrait of the solitary sensuous man, privately wounded, who lived on wonder, observed the bald fact and spun metaphor and myth out of nature. In his writing he celebrated his consciousness identified with the Absolute. Walden was a lied of death and song of resurrection: Thoreau had it both ways. Now and then someone argued the book was not literally true; it was fictitious: In truth, the man went home often to see his mama. If so, Dubin thought, it was nonetheless a masterpiece, nonetheless inspiring. It had stirred the imaginations of Proust and Yeats. How can it be less than it is? You write sentences and men are sensibly affected. Dubin, proud of the biography, contemplated with confidence his present work on D. H. Lawrence. Do the primitive labyrinth of the man, mystic flame-boiled essence, bloody simple human self.
He warned himself then as he often did, although it came to not much, that a good writer adventures beyond the uses of language, or what’s there to put into words? Yet the truth is some do not: of them Dubin is one. As though to make up for his limitations, from his pants pocket he dug out one of his impulsive notes to himself: ‘Everybody’s life is mine unlived. One writes lives he can’t live. To live forever is a human hunger.’
He was running. As the road dipped the hills rose. In spring light-green foliage raced up the rumpled hills and by June covered the scabrous shoulders of the mountains. Dubin trotted on the road going south. In the distance white clouds moving above patches of sunlight on the hills. The land sloped up to a line of trees advancing on him like a marauding army. For a while the wood rode on his head. Dubin rose on the road as the hills sank; he settled into a fast walk. A sparse quarter mile of old houses went by as on a rusty turntable, then broad fields with now and then a stark farmhouse, upright and spare to a point of principle – with weather-beaten barns, red or black silos, Angus and Herefords on cow paths in the pasture. Dubin liked to come by on rainy late-afternoons to see the steaming swollen-uddered cows lying in the wet waiting to be milked. When he passed in light fog, the ripe hot smell of cow dung from a barn nearby assailed him across the field – he knew where he was. One night, driving the road alone, he saw a cow cropping grass in moonlight. The farmland around gave pleasure: each neat walled field, each shifting shade of brown beige and green; furrowed, cultivated, harvested, plowed under: order of uses of men, animals, seasons eternal.
Robert Frost and his doomed brood had lived a summer on one of the farms not far away, and Dubin, long after the fact, had talked with his neighbors in Vermont and written an article: ‘Frost, the Season of His Wife’s Death’. The poet had been hard on her. His will, it had been said, could tolerate no other wills around. ‘Elinor has never been any earthly use to me.’ She had kept him from her bedside while she was dying. He waited in the corridor, saw her only when she was asleep, unconscious; dead. He’d had no last word from her. Her defense was silence. ‘She was not as original as I in thought but she dominated my art with the power of her character and nature.’ Dubin occasionally visited their anguished grave in a churchyard a dozen miles away. They were together now in the vault under the tombstone; their ashes were, with the remains of those of their children who were not buried elsewhere, although all their names were incised on the stone. ‘There’s only one subject for a poem,’ Frost had said. Dubin had laid a small white stone on the marble tombstone.
The biographer had once wanted to do a full-length life of the poet and had written him a letter requesting a talk if he was interested. But the old man wrote back he had already chosen someone ‘to preserve my immortal remains.’ ‘I’d rather be in the hands of a man whose spit I’d seen.’ Dubin, after going through her papers in the N.Y. Public Library, had considered the life of Virginia Woolf, whose intelligent imagination and fragile self had drawn him to her; but her own nephew, Quentin Bell, was already into a biography of her. Dubin had then thought of D. H. Lawrence, a complex type with tormented inner life, if that’s who you felt you had to get involved with.
Thinking of the biographies he had written, in particular Short Lives in a single volume, he felt a sadness come into him. Completed, most lives were alike in stages of living – joys, celebrations, crises, illusions, losses, sorrows. Some lives accomplished much, some very little. One learned, as he wrote, the arcs, forms, consequences of the flight of lives. One learns where life goes. In fact he led them there. When you know the end the rest moves up only too quickly. Therefore, Dubin, what’s on your mind? That he was about to create a new life would in the end shorten his own? When the work was done he was that much older – more serious matter than a decade ago. He had sacrificed to his labors that many hours, that many years. Prufrock had measured out his life with measuring spoons; Dubin, in books resurrecting the lives of others. You lost as you gained; there’s only one subject for a poem.
The last part of the country walk went west before it turned south again on an upward pitch to the highway, a length of solitary shaded road heavily wooded on both sides. Overhead, lightly laced branches touched and intertwined. The road was cool in the green shade, the air fragrant. Dubin breathed. He tramped on in the light-green dark. No sound except him walking along thinking his thoughts. At one place on the deserted road he broke into a run. He had more than once encountered a dog racing at him across a field, or bursting out of the woods, teeth bared, growling in its belly. His response was sternly to say, ‘Go home, boy,’ and hope for the best. Mostly they wandered away as he walked on; but he feared meeting an animal with no respect for human language. A black German shepherd had all but treed him once – his back against a tree, the hound snarling when Dubin attempted to inch forward. He’d been trapped a mad long time but kept the dog off by talking to it, his heart where it needn’t be, telling it the story of his life. At last it yawned and trotted off. In afterthought it had seemed that a cardinal’s shrill call, sounding much like a man whistling for his dog, had sent the animal on his way. Dubin waved to the invisible red bird in the trees. He’d been set running by the thought of the dog and was running now. ‘Why, then, should man hasten as if anything less than an eternity were allotted for the least deed?’ Who says?
As he ran, the road had stopped moving and he slowed to a walk. A reddish-brown bitch followed him, a shaggy Irish setter who sometimes appeared, a friend of the people. Ahead, where the bushes rose fifteen feet high on one side of the road, and the trees moved into the downsloping wood on the other, he observed a moving figure. It was Greenfeld in white cap and shirt, ambling along. He often carried his flute or recorder and would play as he walked. Dubin would hear a song in the trees. The flute got gut-close to primitive lament. ‘Ach, ich flöte.’ Greenfeld did one thing and did it well, not a bad way to live a life. Not now in a mood to listen or be listened to – he felt a hunger for solitude – the biographer stepped behind a tree until the flutist had passed by.
Some other time.
He was looking at a grove of evergreens below – a pleasure to gaze down at the pointed tops of trees – and a little farther on turned as the road grew level and approached the highway. Soon country merged into village, not a charming sight. After departing the highway Dubin walked north on an old sidewalk of broken slate. Center Campobello was a town of 4,601 souls in New York State, almost a mile from the Vermont border. He had lived there fifteen years, unknown to most: Wm B. Dubin, who wrote lives, and who, it said in Newsweek, had once received a medal from President Johnson. There was a picture of them shaking hands. He recalled the clutch of the man’s big paw. At the courthouse he turned and walked toward a crimson sunset until he came to the edge of town: his three-story yellow clapboard house with black shutters and wrought-iron widow’s walk on the roof. A porch with white pillars ran half the length of the rear of the house. Dubin began his daily walk at the back door and returned from it, as from a journey, by the front.
He went around to the rear but Kitty was not in her garden. Dubin studied the dead elm coming down next week. And a skimpy-leaved maple was expiring – ‘maple decline’ the tree man called it. ‘Save money cuttin’ them both down the same time.’ Dubin thought he’d wait till the maple was properly dead. Emerson had counted one hundred and twenty-eight trees on his property, lamenting they must ultimately fall. Dubin had counted sixty-one on his nine acres. Emerson could name every one of his trees; not Dubin. The biographer entered the house, called his wife, and when there was no reply, walked up the stairs. He stood solemnly in Gerald’s old room, then in Maud’s. Later he heard Kitty come into the house and she called up that they had a new cleaning person. ‘That’s what she calls herself. I advertised today and she phoned while you were on your walk. Would you like your supper hot or cold? I feel dreadfully hot.’
Dubin, in his study, had picked up his marked copy of Women in Love. A wasted walk, he had wanted to work.
‘Why do you berate yourself in the poor mirror?’ Kitty had asked.
‘Because I’m handsomer in my mind than when I look in the glass.’
‘Don’t look,’ she had said.
Rubbing in shaving cream, he was this morning in the bathroom mirror a solemn gent earnestly expostulating. ‘Next time round I’ll do a comic life. Mark Twain’s wasn’t all that funny.’
‘Shush,’ Dubin warned himself, then remembered Kitty had left their bed. He tried to hold down the talk when she was in the bedroom because – if she was awake or it woke her – it made her uneasy; still, after these many years. If you shouted, groaned, or muttered for no apparent reason, or gestured Up Yours in her presence, you were showing loose ends, reminding her of hers. She would rather not be reminded. Kitty, when Dubin rambled on, made clicking noises with her tongue. He would then shut up, though he had more than once reminded her that Montaigne himself used to groan ‘Confounded fool’ in the morning mirror. And Dr Samuel Johnson was a noisy beehive of crackpot mannerisms.
‘I’m not married to them.’
‘Montaigne’s motto was, “What do I know?” He was a wise man. And Johnson – “winking and blinking”, Blake described him – though he looked like a mad hatter, inspired men to reason and courage. He had learned from life.’
‘It’s your voice I hear, not theirs.’
He beheld in the mirror, under stress of course – like this morning beginning a new biography – a flash of himself in his grave, and with a grimace clutched his gut where he had been stabbed. ‘Papa,’ he cried, wishing he had done things better, and made unhappy gestures of evasion and shame that irritated Kitty when she observed them. He would strike his chest with his fist, point at the sky; his nose twitched like a rabbit’s. Or he would intone a single sentence like: ‘My daughter never learned to waltz.’ That, after six times, would awaken Kitty; she asked through the closed bathroom door what it meant. Dubin pooh-poohed it all. But here he was at it again – a relief this particular morning, conversing with himself at length, glad she had got up and gone out, rare thing for her to do this early in the day. Through the window he watched her contemplating her flowers in thinning mist on the ground. Kitty, wearing blue sneakers and faded pink straw gardening hat, though there was no sun to speak of, looked up and casually waved. The biographer lifted his razor like a sword in salute.
When he arose at seven, usually she slumbered on. Kitty slept raggedly and liked to pick up an hour or more at the morning end. Her sleep, after a fairly decent springtime interval, had got worse in summer. She slept deeply awhile, then was restlessly awake for hours; and slept again in the early morning before Dubin awoke. He left her lying on her stomach, wound in a sheer nightgown, the coffee au lait birthmark on her buttock a blemished island, visible when it was too hot for sheet or blanket. Though she tended to deny it – this depended on how well she was presently treating herself – her figure was good, despite large slender feet and thin shoulders. Kitty, brown hair fading, was still an attractive woman. She said she slept best mornings, when he was no longer in bed; and her most memorable dreams were morning dreams.
He had asked her recently what she thought about when she was awake and she said, ‘Lately the kids again – mostly. Sometimes silly things like a pair of shoes I paid too much for. Or a clerk who said something rude to me. Or I wish I had been born beautiful, or could lose weight. Some worthless things grind on all night.’ ‘Hemingway prayed when he couldn’t sleep,’ Dubin said; ‘he fished and prayed.’ ‘If I prayed it would have been to be more purposeful, organized, kinder. One would have liked to do less harm.’ ‘To whom?’ ‘Anyone. – To Gerald,’ Kitty confessed. He asked her if she thought of death. ‘I think of those who’ve died. I often play back my life.’ Sometimes she went downstairs to read if the house wasn’t too cold. She’d rather not read because it woke her thoroughly and she could afterward not find her way back to sleep. She lay listening to the singing bird-world in the 5 a.m. trees. Or sometimes wept that she wasn’t sleeping. Once in winter Dubin woke to soft stringed music and went downstairs to find her playing the harp in the dark.
Last night she’d waked him to say she had dreamed of Nathanael, her first husband. ‘This is the second time this month and I don’t think I’ve dreamed of him in years. We were on our way somewhere, maybe to church to get married. He was young, about his age when I met him, and I was my age now. Somehow I was pregnant, though I couldn’t tell whether it was with Gerald or Maud – that’s what made the dream so weird. I wanted to say I couldn’t go with him, I was living with you, but then I thought Nathanael’s a doctor, he’ll know. What a mish-mash. What do you make of it?’
‘What do you?’
‘You’re better at dreams.’
‘Did it frighten you?’
‘Nathanael wouldn’t frighten me.’
‘Then why wake me up? I’ve got to start my Lawrence this morning.’
‘I woke up, thought of the kids gone.’
Dubin said that could be what it was about. ‘The kids are gone. You’re floating around with time on your head. You want to be young again.’
‘People are always leaving,’ she yawned.
Irritated, he tried to sleep – the curse of an insomniac wife. Kitty crept close and held him; Dubin ultimately slept.
The house, she often complained, was all but empty. ‘Get some kind of work,’ he had advised, and now after months of unsatisfactory seeking she was reluctantly working as a volunteer in the town clerk’s office. ‘I stop thinking when I go there.’ ‘You’re overqualified,’ Dubin said. ‘I feel underqualified.’ She complained she had accomplished little in life. ‘I have no true talents, I’ve tried everything.’ He had given up arguing with her about her life.
Mornings she was active, sleep or no sleep, though she dawdled as she dressed. ‘Thank God, I have energy.’ Dubin, after half a night’s loss of sleep, had to conserve his. Kitty went to the stores before noon, did her husband’s errands, phoned friends – always Myra Wilson, an old widow on a farm in Vermont, a mile and a half up the road, whom Kitty shopped for – then she attended her house. She kept it well; sparsely furnished, suiting the cold climate. Center Campobello shrank, seemed to lose streets and people in wintertime. She was good with space, placed it where it showed. Each piece of furniture looked as though it had been set like a small sculpture. She hated accumulation, clutter; yet placed things around it was pleasant to discover: small antique bottles, oriental tiles, lacquered boxes and pieces of stained glass. Kitty was good with flower arrangements, although she mercifully picked them late and the flowers in her bowls and vases were often slightly wilted. She was strict with her cleaning women, yet patiently showed them how to do things she wanted done. Dubin appreciated the order of the household; it went with his work.
Outside, she was continually digging in her perennial border, pulling up bulbs and planting them elsewhere as though transposing the facts of her life. Dubin enjoyed the flowers brightening the back lawn, but when he complimented her on her garden Kitty said she had no real green thumb. He called it a light-green thumb. The biographer appreciated his wife’s good taste. He admired her kind nature, her honesty, even when it hurt. Kitty was spontaneously generous; Dubin had to measure his out. She was empathic: a single string bean in the sink was ‘lonely’ to her. One flower of ten, fallen from a vase, had immediately to be restored to its ‘home’. When Dubin was thinking of the gains over losses in marriage, he felt he had honed his character on hers. In all she had helped stabilize and enlarge his life; but he was not so sure, after a generation of marriage, that he had done the same for her or why wasn’t she at peace with herself? Though he thought he knew the answer he continued to ask the question.
Kitty, as he dried his razor by the sunlit window, seemed to be dancing on the lawn. The dance astonished Dubin although she had as a young woman thought of becoming a dancer; had taken lessons. Yet he had not seen her perform anything like this before, this flow of movement – giving herself to it so. Shows you can’t know everything about those you know best. The soul has its mysteries. Kitty waved to Dubin, he waved back. It was a running dance, very expressive – fertility rite? Her straw hat flew off and she made no attempt to retrieve it. She ran with her arms raised toward the flowers, twirled and ran the other way; then again to the garden. Her arms moved like a bird’s wings; she swooped, turned, now hopped sideways toward the trees. He thought she’d duck into the grove of silver maples and dance there – marvelous sight – but instead she ran toward the house.
‘Happy,’ Kitty called.
He opened the window wide. ‘What?’
‘Hap-pee!’
‘Wonderful!’
She danced on the lawn, her body bent low, then rose tall, graceful, once more flapping her arms. He tried to figure out what the ceremonial meant: wounded bird, dying swan? My God, Dubin thought. He had seen her in some happy moments but nothing to dance to. He felt how strange life was, then began thinking of his Passion of D. H. Lawrence: A Life, before he realized Kitty was in the house, screaming as she sped up the stairs. Dubin opened the bathroom door as she rushed in, shouting to him, her face red, eyes angered, frightened.
‘Why the hell didn’t you come and help me?’
‘What for?’
‘A bee, William,’ she cried.
‘My God, where?’
‘In my blouse. It crawled up my sleeve. Help me!’
‘Unbutton it,’ Dubin advised.
‘I’m afraid, you do it.’
He quickly unbuttoned her blouse. A dull buzz sounded as the bee flew forth, a fat black-and-yellow noisy bumblebee. It buzzed in the bathroom close to the ceiling. Dubin defensively seized his razor, waved the weapon. The droning bee zoomed down on a course between his eyes, shot up, twice circled his head, and barreling down, struck him on the back of the neck.
He had expected it, he thought, but not, after her gasp and his grunt, Kitty’s uninhibited laughter.
Not long after breakfast Dubin sat at his desk in his study about to begin. ‘What’s my opening sentence going to be? Christ, it may point the way forever.’ Kitty, without knocking, entered quietly and handed him his mail. ‘It came early today.’ She read on a yellow slip of paper on his desk the daily list of things to do and quickly crumpled it. He pretended not to see. Kitty said she didn’t think the cleaning person would work out. She was a college student who would stay on only till school reopened in September. ‘She’s competent but I doubt her heart’s in it. She’s doing this to earn a buck and take off. I guess I’ll have to advertise again.’
On the way out she paused. ‘William, why do I have strange dreams of Nathanael at this time of my life?’
‘You tell me.’
She said she didn’t know.
He impatiently begged off. Kitty stepped out of the room.
After calling up, ‘Goodbye,’ she left the house to go into town for her groceries, his newspaper. Dubin heard her back out of the driveway. He laid down his pen and waited with shut eyes two minutes till she had returned, easily imagining her strained face, compressed mouth, eyes mourning as she got out of the car. Kitty hastily reentered the house, hurried into the kitchen, fighting herself. Herself won. She approached the gas stove and drew long deep breaths over each of the four burners, as though after a time of drought she was taking in the salt breezes of the sea. She then pulled down the oven door and breathed in, as her chest passionately rose and fell. Slowly her body relaxed. There was no gas leak; there never was. Kitty then sang up, ‘Goodbye, dear,’ and Dubin once more picked up his pen. She swept out of the house, briskly, sensually, almost gaily, as he savagely wrote down his opening sentence. The biographer was in business again, shaping, illumining lives.
He had seriously resisted Lawrence, so intricately involuted, self-contradictory, difficult a man. He had traveled so mercilessly, lived in so many out-of-the-way places; had written so well, so badly, so goddamned much; was so vastly written about – someone had said second to Shakespeare; or if not second, third, Samuel Johnson intervening – therefore who needs more by William Dubin? Who needs, specifically, yet another life of David Herbert Lawrence? Kitty, who had conscientiously traveled with her husband four summers as he had researched Lawrence’s obsessive pilgrimages, had asked much the same question. But one fantastic day in Nottinghamshire Dubin had discovered, in an old miner’s widowed daughter’s slate-roofed attic, two dusty packets of Lawrence’s unpublished correspondence: eleven impassioned notes to his mother – surly complaints against the father; and no fewer than twenty-six letters – once thought burned – to Jessie Chambers, his boyhood girl, whom he had ultimately rejected because she had too much the genteel spiritual and intellectual quality of the mother – vagina dentata, or so he thought; he had never visited her there. It was she, who by one means or another, became the Miriam of Sons and Lovers.
Later, in a London bookshop, Dubin had also found seventeen unpublished letters of Lawrence to J. Middleton Murry, loveless husband of Katherine Mansfield; there’d also been a strange love-hate relationship between the men. ‘Weasel’, ‘dirty little worm’, ‘rat’, the novelist had called him, ‘I despise you’; and after breaking off their friendship, Murry, drawn to Lawrence and Frieda, time and again returned to try once more. Dubin’s elation at his discoveries – extraordinary good luck – had at last resolved his doubts and hooked him firmly to the biography of Lawrence, at the same time apparently convincing Kitty. He had more new material than anyone in recent years and felt he could do a more subtle portrait of the man than had previously appeared. That was the true battleground for the biographer: the vast available documentation versus the intuition and limited experience of Wm B. Dubin, formerly of Newark, New Jersey.
Sometimes he felt like an ant about to eat an oak tree. There were several million facts of Lawrence’s short life and long work, of which Dubin might master a sufficient quantity. He’d weave them together and say what they meant – that was the daring thing. You assimilated another man’s experience and tried to arrange it into ‘thoughtful centrality’ – Samuel Johnson’s expression. In order to do that honestly well, you had to anchor yourself in a place of perspective; you had as a strategy to imagine you were the one you were writing about, even though it meant laying illusion on illusion: pretense that he, Dubin, who knew himself passing well, knew, or might know, the life of D. H. Lawrence: who seemed not to have stepped beyond his mythic mask – explained himself without revealing himself; created an ur-blood mystique that helped hide who he ultimately was. Beyond that is more: no one, certainly no biographer, has the final word. Knowing, as they say, is itself a mystery that weaves itself as one unweaves it. And though the evidence pertains to Lawrence, the miner’s son, how can it escape the taint, subjectivity, the existence of Willie Dubin, Charlie-the-waiter’s son, via the contaminated language he chooses to put down as he eases his boy ever so gently into an imagined life? My life joining his with reservations. But the joining – the marriage? – has to be, or you can’t stay on the vicarious track of his past or whatever ‘truth’ you think you’re tracking. The past exudes legend: one can’t make pure clay of time’s mud. There is no life that can be recaptured wholly; as it was. Which is to say that all biography is ultimately fiction. What does that tell you about the nature of life, and does one really want to know?
By mid-afternoon he had done two pages and was feeling good when Kitty returned from the town clerk’s office to pay the cleaning person. Dubin was sitting in the living room with a drink. The bee sting no longer bothered. The girl had gone after slantedly writing her name and address on an old envelope on the kitchen counter.
‘I’ll mail her a check,’ Kitty said. ‘What do you think of her? The house is fairly clean. Should I keep her for a while or look for someone permanent?’
He had barely caught a glimpse of the girl but felt magnanimous. ‘What have you got to lose?’
The cleaning person – Fanny Bick – he had read her name on the envelope – who had appeared Tuesday morning, returned to work on Friday – resisting it all the way, Kitty said. Fanny, a nervously active girl, vacuumed and dusted, and was supposed to do a wash but hadn’t got to it the first time. Kitty had done the wash on Thursday and had left a pile of Dubin’s underwear, pajamas, socks, to be ironed – she had tried to talk him out of ironed socks but he liked them that way. As he worked that morning he was vaguely aware of the girl outside his door yanking the vacuum cleaner from room to room; and he later asked Kitty to tell her not to come into the study, because there were so many note cards laid out on the desk and worktable that he didn’t want touched. She could clean his room next time, once he had the cards weighted down. He’d have lunch meanwhile or would read upstairs in Gerald’s old room.